Catfight Over Arty
by Heera Malhotra
Summary: Rated K plus for mild violence and insults but no bad language. Features my OC, Anna Maria, and Minerva in a fight over Artemis. R&R please!
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: Clearly I am not Eoin Colfer – which means I do not own any of his characters. However, I do own Anna-Maria. This is the first time I am writing in this format (and solely for the purpose of humor) so please review!**_

_-Readers enter a room with three occupants – all genii; two girls, one boy.-_

Readers: What's going on?

Brunette Female: Look, Minerva; I did not hypnotize Artemis or use the _mesmer _on him! He asked me to the dance because he wanted to!

Artemis: -looks uncomfortable-

Minerva: Are you calling me a liar, Anna-Maria?

Anna-Maria: -crosses her arms over her chest and glares at Minerva with scorn- No, not a liar. I am calling you a misled human with toilet paper for brains!

Minerva: What?! Why, you!

Artemis: Anna-Maria, Minerva; please, stop!

Minerva: Shut up, Artemis!

Anna-Maria: Yeah, we're fighting over you!

Artemis: -gulps- When will this nonsense stop?

Minerva: As soon as Anna-Maria admits that she bewitched you.

Anna-Maria: I did NOT bewitch him!

Artemis: She didn't bewitch me.

Anna-Maria: -smiles triumphantly- Ha! I told you so! Let's go, Arty.

Artemis: Since when do you call me 'Arty'?

Anna-Maria: -looks thoughtful- I don't know. Do you like it?

Minerva: Arty's mine, you lousy brunette!

Readers: -gasp- Oh no she didn't!

Anna-Maria: -looks as if she agrees with the readers- And what, may I ask, does that mean?

Artemis: Don't call me that, Minerva. And no insults.

Minerva: -ignores Artemis- It means you're a lousy brunette!

Anna-Maria: Really? Am I? You dumb blonde!

Artemis: -looks shocked- Anna-Maria, I thought you did not agree with stereotypes!

Minerva: Dumb blonde? How dare you, you…you…you Italian half-breed!

Anna-Maria: -flicks a strand of hair away from her pointed ears- Stupid French girl!

Minerva: -sticks her tongue out at Anna-Maria- At least I'm not from a nation partially responsible for toppling the balance of power established by the Congress of Vienna! And I'm not stupid; I'm a genius.

Anna-Maria: You're a stupid genius! And at least I'm not from a nation that had a ten-year revolution and made the guillotine popular!

Artemis: -sees that any attempts at stopping the argument are fruitless and sits down with a bowl of popcorn- She has a point.

Minerva: Stop taking her side, Arty! –turns back to Anna-Maria- And 'stupid genius' is an oxymoron.

Anna-Maria: You're a moron all right! And just because it's an oxymoron it doesn't make it untrue!

Minerva: Yes it does!

Anna-Maria: No it doesn't!

Readers: -to Artemis- Aren't you going to stop them?

Artemis: -looks at the readers with a surprised expression- Why would I want to do that? And how did you get in here?

Readers: The authoress let us in.

Artemis: -looks confused- What authoress?

Authoress: -waves at Artemis from a safe observation area- That would be me.

Artemis: -looks up- Oh. You have nice hair.

Authoress: -flips black/brown hair over one shoulder- Why thank you.

Artemis: It's about the same color as Anna-Maria's; the same length too. Are you her twin?

Authoress: -looks baffled- No…I imagined Anna-Maria. That is why her hair looks like mine; I wanted to give her something of mine.

Artemis: -nods while taking notes- That makes sense. Shouldn't you stop Minerva and Anna-Maria?

Authoress: Oh, Anna-Maria won't get hurt.

Artemis: What about Minerva?

Authoress: -grins evilly-

Minerva and Anna-Maria: -have been continuing with their argument-

Minerva: Oh yeah? –shoves Anna-Maria-

Readers: -gasp-

Artemis: -covers his face with his hands- I can't look!

Anna-Maria: -glares at Minerva- Oh no you didn't!

Minerva: Oh yes I did!

Anna-Maria: Need I remind you of my occupation as LEP commander?

Minerva: -realizes she has made a mistake- Meep.

Anna-Maria: -rolls up sleeves and jumps on Minerva- Get ready to pay, Mud Menace!

Artemis: -stuffs popcorn into his mouth-

Readers: Move over Artemis; we want to sit and eat popcorn too.

Artemis: -moves over on his couch and hands the bowl to the nearest reader, never taking his eyes off of Anna-Maria and Minerva-

Readers: -offer the popcorn bowl to the Authoress- You want some?

Authoress: -shakes her head- No thanks. I can't get butter on my camera; I'm taking photos for my 'I Hate Minerva' photo album.

Anna-Maria: You are going to regret calling me an Italian half-breed you blonde siren!

Minerva: Have you ever heard my singing? It's horrible!

Anna-Maria: Then it won't bother you as much if I do this. –smashes her fist into Minerva's jaw-

Artemis: -covers the readers' eyes- Hey, hey! There could be children reading this fic!

Authoress: That's why it's rated K+. The + is for possibly mild violence.

Artemis: Oh, I see. What's your blood type?

Authoress: B+. Why?

Artemis: Minerva's going to need a blood transfusion or two after this. Anyone here with AB- blood?

Everyone: -silent-

Artemis: O-?

Everyone: -no response-

Artemis: Oh, well. Too bad Minerva; if you had AB+ instead of AB-, anyone could have donated blood to you. I guess we'll just have to wait and see if your body can produce enough.

Minerva: What blood type are you?

Artemis: I'm an A-.

Minerva: Then you can give me blood!

Artemis: I could, but I don't think I want to.

Minerva: This is not over, Arty! You will take me to the prom!

Artemis: That's two years from now.

Minerva: I need two years to decide what to wear.

Anna-Maria: -slaps Minerva- mary sue!

Minerva: Tomboy!

_**Should I continue? I think I'll let you decide that.**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Well, I'm back with more…uh, comedy! And…something else…I think I need more ideas…or a good bump on the head…**_

Minerva: There is no way Arty would ever choose you over me!

Anna-Maria: Yes there is! I am just as pretty as you, prettier even! And I am definitely a lot smarter than you.

Minerva: -places hands on her hips- Oh yeah? What makes you so sure about that?"

Anna-Maria: -folds arms across her chest and glares- Who stated the obvious by kicking Billy Kong and calling him a thug? It sure wasn't me.

Minerva: How was I supposed to know what would happen?

Anna-Maria: Butler warned you, duh! –smiles- But hey, you helped me.

Minerva: -looks confused- I did? How?

Anna-Maria: Well, if you hadn't kicked Billy Kong, Artemis would never have entered the time tunnel and missed three years.

Minerva: -does not look so confident now- So?

Anna-Maria: So…you fixed the age difference between Artemis and me! He was four years older than me before, now he's only four months older!

Minerva: -looks like she is about to cry-

Authoress: Go Anna-Maria!

Artemis: -looks down at the bowl in his hands- We're out of popcorn.

Random Reader: I'll get more from the kitchen!

Authoress: -produces plate of Tandoori chicken and starts to eat it-

Readers and Artemis: -stare at the authoress-

Authoress: What? It's a Pakistani dish! My mom's own recipe – I was getting tired of popcorn.

Minerva: -grabs fork with piece of chicken on the prongs and waves it in Anna-Maria's face- Get back you nasty thing!

Authoress: Hey, my chicken!

Anna-Maria: -raises eyebrow- 'Nasty thing'? Are you describing yourself or a Venus flytrap? Then again, what's the difference?

Minerva: -glares- How rude! –continues waving fork with chicken-

Anna-Maria: -grabs the fork and eats the chicken before Minerva can blink- Never brandish food in front of my face.

Authoress: -jumps on top of Minerva- You stole my chicken!

Minerva: -screams and then starts crying-

Artemis: Does this scenario remind you of anything?

Random Reader: -hands the popcorn bowl back to Artemis- Pie?

Artemis: No…_A Midsummer Night's Dream_.

Authoress: -stops rubbing Minerva's face into the floor for a moment- The Shakespearean play?

Artemis: -nods- Yes. I am like a male version of Hermia, Anna-Maria is like a female version of Lysander; and Minerva is like a female version of Demetrius.

Anna-Maria: Ha! Take that, Minerva! Artemis does like me!

Minerva: -speaks up from the floor- Then who's Helena?

Artemis: We don't have one.

Authoress: -sits on top of Minerva to think- Hey, we can have our own version of the play! Artemis, we can have Hermia's role changed to that of an Athenian male named Hermio; Anna-Maria, your name can be Lysandra; Minerva, you're Demetria. How's that?

Artemis: -blinks- That's a horrible idea!

Anna-Maria: -has a look of disgust on her face- Lysandra sounds more like a cheap brand of dishtowel than a name. Can I be Demetria instead?

Authoress: But Anna-Maria, Hermio is in love with Lysandra, not Demetria!

Minerva: -glares up at the authoress- Hey!

Anna-Maria: -grins- Okay, I think I can handle that.

Minerva: -whines- But I want to be Lysandra!

Anna-Maria: Sure thing, Madam Dishtowel; I'm sure we can have Demetria's role switched with Lysandra's if I assume it. Right, Authoress?

Authoress: Right.

Artemis: Must we do this now?

Authoress: No, we can wait till the next chapter.

Minerva: Get off of me!

Authoress: -stands up- Wonderful! Tune in…the next time I update for our version of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_!

Minerva: -gets up- I'm going to kill you!

Anna-Maria: -leaps on top of Minerva and forces her back down to the floor- Shut up, you whiney French girl!

Minerva: I am not whiney! Arty, help me!

Artemis: -growls- Stop calling me that!

Anna-Maria: Arty! Can you help me? I'm trying to tie Minerva's hands together.

Artemis: -smiles and kneels next to Anna-Maria with some rope- Of course, Anna-Maria.

Minerva: Hey! I thought you hated being called 'Arty'! Why does she get to say it?

Artemis: -glares at her- I hate it when **you** call me that. It sounds more dignified when Anna-Maria says it.

Minerva: -tries to kick Anna-Maria but can't because her feet are bound- Boyfriend-stealer!

Artemis: I was never your boyfriend.

Anna-Maria: Naptime, Minerva! –punches Minerva's forehead-

Minerva: -falls unconscious-

Readers: -clutch their popcorn-

Random Reader: I do not want to get Anna-Maria angry – although she does look twice as pretty as before…are you free on Saturday night?

Artemis: -glares- Hey, Anna-Maria is NOT available; and she'd never go out with you! –jumps on Random Reader-

Random Reader: Aaagh! Don't claw my eyes out!

Authoress: -looks around her for a moment at the two minor wrestling matches going on- Okay…come back next time! –joins the Readers on the couch- Now where's my chicken?

_**Be sure to review! **_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Dream time! Well, not quite yet… More reviews would be nice, please!**_

Artemis: -talking to the authoress- May I have my nachos with caviar before we begin?

Authoress: -backs away a little- Geez, Artemis; what's wrong with you? We can't have a Hermio with fishy-nacho breath!

Artemis: -grumbles- Well, we don't have someone to play a male version of Helena anyway.

Authoress: -thinks with her chin in her hand- You're right. We need a Helenus.

Minerva: What kind of name is that?

Authoress: Do you have any better ideas?

Anna-Maria: -jumps on Minerva before she can reply- Stop fussing, **_Demetria_**. Hermio is in love with Lysandra and Helenus is in love with you – but we need a Helenus before that can happen.

Authoress: I have an idea. But you three need costumes first. –snaps her fingers-

Anna-Maria: -glances down at her costume and screams- Too many frills! And the skirt is too puffy!

Authoress: I'll fix that. –snaps her fingers again-

Anna-Maria: That's better, thank you.

Artemis: -takes one look at Anna-Maria and falls down because of how pretty she looks-

Minerva: -glares at the authoress- Hey, my skirt is too puffy, too!

Authoress: -glances at Minerva for a second with disinterest- Yes, but the puffiness suits you.

Minerva: -looks at the Authoress in disbelief- Do you know who you are talking to?

Authoress: Yes; Minerva Paradizo, whiney French girl genius.

Anna-Maria and Artemis: -try not to laugh – and fail-

Minerva: -stamps her foot- I am NOT whiney!

Authoress: Whatever. -snaps her fingers- We still need a Helenus.

Brown-haired Boy: -appears- Where am I?

Artemis: Who's he?

Authoress: His name is Rick Malhotra. He's going to be our Helenus.

Anna-Maria: -looks slightly puzzled- Isn't Malhotra your last name?

Artemis: Is this guy your brother?

Authoress: -frowns- My brother's eight. Does Rick look eight years old to you?

Artemis: He may have an overactive pituitary gland.

Rick Malhotra: -frowns at Artemis- Hey, I'm not deaf or mute, okay? Oh, oh. I hope Nikki and Malli didn't hear that.

Minerva: Who and who?

Anna-Maria: Don't you mean 'who and whom'?

Minerva: -glares- Don't correct my grammar.

Authoress: Malli and Nikki; Rick's best friends, Nicole Johnson and Mallika Kapoor. Nikki is deaf, but she uses a hearing aid. Mallika, unfortunately, is mute.

Rick Malhotra: Yes, but that doesn't stop her from doing anything she wants to do.

Authoress: -whispers to Anna-Maria- They're all my characters, too. Rick has a crush on Mallika; who has been his best friend for years.

Rick Malhotra: -doesn't hear the authoress because he is talking to Artemis- And Malhotra is a fairly common Indian surname.

Artemis: I thought the authoress was Pakistani.

Authoress: I am, but the partition didn't take place all that long ago; I have Indian relatives. Besides, Malhotra is just a penname.

Rick Malhotra: -blinks- What did you mean by 'Helenus'? I have to meet Malli, her gymnastics competition is today!

Artemis: Doesn't it bother you that your two best friends are girls?

Rick Malhotra: No. Doesn't it bother you that a girl you don't like is after you?

Artemis: Yes.

Minerva: I hope you were referring to Anna-Maria.

Anna-Maria: -glares at Minerva- No, you deuchbag! Artemis was referring to you!

Authoress: -interrupts and snaps her fingers- Sorry, Rick; I forgot you were busy.

Rick Malhotra: -disappears-

Black-haired Guy: -appears-

Authoress: Meet Robert.

Artemis: Surname?

Authoress: I haven't come up with one yet. He lives in medieval times; and he's read _A Midsummer Night's Dream_, so he knows all the lines.

Artemis: I doubt we will be using the actual lines.

Minerva: How can he be Helenus? I can't even see the top of his head!

Authoress: It's not my fault you're a midget. And Robert's only six foot three; besides, Helena is supposed to be taller than Hermia, thus our Helenus must be taller than our Hermio.

Robert: Do you mind? I have my tutorial session with Marie in a half hour; and she always meets me in the garden right about now.

Artemis: Who's Marie?

Authoress: Princess Marie Cynthia Guinevere Rosanna. Robert is the royal tutor; even though he's only a year older than Marie.

Anna-Maria: How old are you, Robert?

Robert: Seventeen.

Anna-Maria: Are you in love with Marie?

Robert: -looks uncomfortable- What kind of question is that?

Anna-Maria: But are you?

Authoress: He does, but he doesn't know it yet.

Robert: Technically, you just told me; so I do know now.

Anna-Maria: He reminds me a bit of Artemis. Except for the tall height and eye-color.

Authoress: Coincidence. –snaps her fingers- Good-bye, Robert.

Robert: -disappears-

Minerva: -throws herself at the spot where Robert dematerialized- My Helenus! No!!!!

Authoress:-rolls her eyes at Minerva and thinks '_You're pathetic_'- I thought you couldn't see the top of his head.

Minerva: -sniffles- No, but the rest of him was pretty cute.

Authoress: Okay, that's just gross. And didn't you like Artemis?

Minerva: -lights up with the memory- Oh yeah! Arty, where are you?

Artemis: -hides behind Anna-Maria- Hide me.

Anna-Maria: -notices the Readers; and, more importantly, what they're eating- Hey, isn't that your plate of nachos with a side of caviar, Artemis?

Artemis: -peeks over her shoulder- What? –jumps on Readers- That's my caviar; give it back!

Minerva: -sobs- Now who will be my Helenus?

Authoress: -grins slyly and snaps her fingers- I have an idea…

Minerva: -sniffs the air- Oh, no.

Anna-Maria: -worries- Why do I recognize that smell?

Mulch Diggums: -appears- What in Frond's name am I doing here? And – why is Fowl fighting over a plate of nachos and fish eggs?

Authoress: Mulch, we are performing our own version of _A Midsummer Night's Dream_. We need you to be our Helenus.

Minerva: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna-Maria: -tries really, really hard not to laugh – and fails-

Mulch: What? No way, forget it! You're out of your mind, you crazy Mud-girl!

Authoress: -growls at Mulch and picks up her cell-phone- You better be Helenus or I'm cancelling your blind date for next week!

Mulch: -freezes- You wouldn't.

Authoress: I would.

Mulch: Fine, I'll be your Hel-whatever-the-name-was.

Minerva: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anna-Maria: Wow, that's several more exclamation points than last time.

Authoress: -looks around at the scuffle between Artemis and the Readers and Minerva's continuous crying- We can't work like this! We'll have to postpone the play till the next update.

Anna-Maria: -looks thoughtful- Want to grab a bite to eat?

Authoress: -smiles- Sure.

Anna-Maria and Authoress: -leave-

Artemis: -tears the nachos away from the Readers- I'll join you in a few minutes!

Minerva: No, you won't!

Readers: -jump on Minerva- Quit whining, you dumb blonde!

Minerva: I am NOT whining; and I am NOT a dumb blonde!

Artemis: Well, you can't be a dumb redhead or a dumb brunette.

Minerva: I'm dying my hair after this!

Gaspard Paradizo: -pops up out of nowhere- Honey, you can't dye your hair.

Minerva: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Readers: Wow, even more exclamation points!

_**I apologize if I've offended anyone by the 'dumb blonde' thing. A lot of my friends are blondes, and I really doubt that hair color is a characterizing trait – I just wanted to slip that in. Obviously you can tell I'm not too fond of Minerva. Reviews would be nice!**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Okay, now it's dream time! I think…**_

Authoress: Good…whatever it is. Morning, evening, night; whatever. Now it is finally time for –stops mid-sentence because she has just noticed Gaspard Paradizo- How did you get in here?

Gaspard Paradizo: -shrugs- I don't know.

Authoress: Well, you'll be a distraction to my actors; so I'd appreciate it if you left.

Gaspard Paradizo: Where's the door?

Minerva: Don't go, Daddy!

Authoress: -points to the door- It's right there.

Gaspard Paradizo: I'll see you later, Minnie.

Artemis and Anna- Maria: -collapse to the floor, giggling-

Authoress: -blinks- Minnie?

Minerva: -reddens- Daddy, we agreed you wouldn't call me that anymore!

Gaspard Paradizo: Sorry, honey; I forgot. –walks into the wall-

Authoress: That wasn't supposed to happen.

Anna-Maria: -whispers to the Authoress- Um…Heera, that door was just painted-on; as a decoy. The real door is over there. –points to the real door-

Authoress: That's odd. –turns to Gaspard, who is rubbing his head- Mr. Paradizo, the door you seek is actually on the other side of the room. –gestures to the real door-

Gaspard Paradizo: -still rubbing his head- Well, that's good to know. Good-bye.

Mulch: -trips Gaspard- Oops! –grins-

Gaspard Paradizo: -stumbles through the door, which, fortunately for him, was open- Bye, pumpkin!

Minerva: Daddy! We agreed that there would be no more 'pumpkin'!

Gaspard Paradizo: -voice echoing from far away- Sorry!

Authoress: -shakes her head, frowning slightly- Okay, if any further distractions –

Mulch: -plants whoopee cushion on the couch-

Artemis: -sits on the couch-

Whoopee Cushion: Pubbbh!!!!

Readers: -start laughing-

Anna-Maria: Was that what I think it was?

Artemis: -looks embarrassed- I was not passing wind; it was –  
Authoress: -glares at the tunneling dwarf- Mulch! Enough with the distractions; we need to get this act going!

Mulch: Hey, it was funny!

Artemis: -stands up and backs away from the couch a little- Yes, humorous for you; how would you feel if you sat on a whoopee cushion?

Mulch: Like eating the person who put it under my bum.

Artemis: So?

Mulch: Your teeth aren't the right type for eating me.

Authoress, Artemis, and Anna-Maria: -exhale in a depressed way because they were expecting something more serious-

Anna-Maria: -thumps the back of Mulch's head-

Mulch: Hey!

Authoress: -clears her throat to get their attention- Okay, time for _A Midsummer Night's Dream_!

Minerva: -opens her mouth to speak-

Authoress: No, Minerva; we are NOT changing the script!

Minerva: Humph!

Authoress: Okay, Demetria, Lysandra, Hermio, and Helenus; on the stage now!

Artemis and Anna-Maria: What stage?

Stage: -appears-

Authoress: That one.

Minerva/Demetria: -gets on the stage, followed by Lysandra, Helenus, and Hermio-

Authoress: Alright, Minerv – I mean, Demetria; your line first.

Minerva/Demetria: Oh Hermio, Hermio; where art thou Hermio?

Authoress: Cut! Demetria, that's not _A Midsummer Night's Dream_; it's _Romeo and Juliet_!

Minerva/Demetria: -blinks- The fault, dear Hermio, lies not in our stars…

Authoress: _The Tragedy of Julius Caesar_! Somebody get Minerva a script!

Random Reader: -rushes to the stage with a script and hands it to Minerva- Listen, Anna-Maria; if you're free on Saturday –

Artemis: -growls-

Random Reader: Meep. –runs off of the stage-

Minerva/Demetria: Oh, Hermio; why dost thou spurn the one who loves you so?

Artemis/Hermio: Thou mayst love me; but my love stands with Lysandra.

Anna-Maria/Lysandra: -walks over to them- But despair not, fair Demetria; the noble Helenus loves thee so.

Minerva/Demetria: Hermio, thy heart may be with the cunning Lysandra; but the heart of Helenus lies not with me. Spurn thy Lysandra, and you shall possess all the happiness of the world with me; thy Demetria.

Anna-Maria: -breaks out of character- Excuse me? Cunning? I am not sly in the least!

Authoress: It's in the script, Anna-Maria. Demetria is just babbling because she wants Hermio to love her instead of Lysandra.

Minerva/Demetria: -breaks out of character- Hey!

Authoress: Shut up, Demetria! Just read your lines!

Artemis/Hermio: Demetria, thou art mad. Should Hermio spurn his Lysandra; who he loves so and returns his affection?

Anna-Maria: -out of character- Where's Mulch – or Helenus?

Authoress: Wasn't he on the stage five minutes ago?

Artemis/Hermio: -out of character- Yes, but he could be anywhere by now.

Authoress: -stands up and walks over to the mini-fridge in the corner of the room- No, not anywhere. –pulls Mulch out from behind the fridge by the ear- Get on that stage and act, Mulch!

Mulch/Helenus: -grumbles but gets on the stage- Fair Demetria, spurn me not; and I shall be a happy man. -out of character- What? I'm not even a man, I'm a dwarf!

Authoress: -growls loudly- Mulch, stick to the script or I'll tear you to shreds and feed you to a lion!

Minerva/Demetria: Oh, who is Demetria to refuse thy love? But Helenus, I love thee not. And – what the heck is this gibberish? -reads from the script- 'Ek main hoon, ek tu hain. Chaahatein hain, aarzoo hain'?

Authoress: -snatches the script from Minerva- Oops! Those are lyrics from a Hindi song; how did they get in your script?

Random Reader: -raises his hand- Sorry, I think that's my fault.

Artemis: -raises an eyebrow- 'There is one me, there is one you. There are desires, there are wishes'?

Anna-Maria: Sounds like a nice song. -note the sarcasm-

Authoress: It's actually pretty modern, you know! Just keep acting!

Minerva: -jumps on Artemis- I'd rather not!

Anna-Maria: -drags Minerva off of Artemis- Me neither Minerva; I'd rather give you a nice, hard punch on the jaw!

Artemis: -picks himself up off of the floor- And put some clown make-up on her!

Authoress: -shudders involuntarily- Clowns and genii should never be in the same room.

Anna-Maria: I heard that Minerva's not really a genius; she cheated on her I.Q. test.

Minerva: I did no such thing!

Authoress: What? No, I was referring to Artemis, you, and me.

Artemis: -frowns- You're a genius?

Authoress: Maybe, maybe not. I don't like to broadcast it much.

Artemis: You don't act like a genius.

Mulch: -attaches himself to the mini-fridge while no one else is looking-

Authoress: Oh, that's because I'm the creative half. I just come up with the stories and write them. You're thinking of the intelligent half – she writes the reviews and did our profile.

Anna-Maria: -sits on Minerva to prevent her from jumping on Artemis again- Intelligent half?

Intelligent Half of the Authoress: -appears- That would be me.

Artemis and Anna-Maria: This is weird.

Intelligent Half: -shrugs- Try living with her. -gestures to the Authoress- Her perkiness is highly irritating.

Authoress: -frowns- You only think I'm irritating because you're too serious!

Intelligent Half: I like being serious.

Authoress: Look at her! She's not even cracking a smile! No fifteen year-old is this serious!

Intelligent Half: I am not the typical adolescent teenager.

Artemis: As I said beforehand, this is extremely odd.

Authoress: I may be too perky, but at least people of my age group can understand what I'm saying!

Intelligent Half: It is through no fault of mine that those of our age group find my choice of diction too intricate to comprehend.

Readers: -look confused- What?

Anna-Maria: It's not her fault other teens have a hard time understanding what she says.

Readers: Oh. Stop using big words!

Intelligent Half: -looks amused, in a serious way- I hear that quite a lot, usually from my lab partner.

Authoress: You're such a party pooper!

Intelligent Half: I do not find parties enjoyable.

Authoress: You don't find anything enjoyable!

Intelligent Half: I find algebra quite entertaining.

Readers: -whisper to Artemis- She's crazy.

Artemis: I think they're both crazy.

Authoress and Intelligent Half: -both look thoughtful- Well, Father did say I was weird.

Intelligent Half: Although personally, I prefer the term 'unusual'.

Anna-Maria, Artemis, and Minerva: -blink-

Anna-Maria: -turns to the readers- Maybe you all should come back next time.

Artemis: -nods- Yes, in the meantime; we'll try to…occupy the Authoress's intelligent half with something. Maybe I'll just give her a complicated algebra problem to solve.

Minerva: That should do the trick. –jumps- Oh, Arty, you're so smart!

Anna-Maria: -catches Minerva's collar, preventing her from landing on Artemis- Not this time, Minerva.

Minerva: Rats!

Artemis: Oh, good idea! We can put rats down her dress!

Minerva: -looks frightened- What?! No!

Anna-Maria and Artemis: -move towards her with cages of rats in their hands and grins on their faces-

The Authoress and her Intelligent Half: -continue their verbal argument, which the Intelligent Half is winning-

Mulch: Ha! I managed to open the mini-fridge!

Random Reader: I call dibs on the tuna fish and peanut butter sandwiches!

Readers: -back away from the Random Reader- We'll just come back in time for the next update. -run away as fast as they can-

_**Wow, that was random! But fun to write…don't forget to (please) write a review!**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Yup, another chapter! Which means…more reviews! PLEASE!**_

Anna-Maria: -sitting and watching an Indian movie with the authoress-

Authoress: You know who Aishwarya Rai reminds me of? –passes Anna-Maria the samosas (Indian/Pakistani appetizers, like small turnovers, containing either vegetables or meat, vegetables in this case)-

Anna-Maria: -takes a samosa- No. Who?

Authoress: -leans back- Oh come on, think. Green eyes, dark brown hair, fair skin – remind you of anyone?

Anna-Maria: Hey, watch it; I've already been confused with Ashwarya once.

Minerva: -pops up- Really?

Anna-Maria: Where did you come from?

Minerva: I heard you were watching a movie so I decided to come over.

Anna-Maria: Artemis isn't here.

Minerva: Oh. Well, then, we don't have to fight!

Anna-Maria: In your dreams, blondie!

Minerva: -sits down- So, what movie are you watching?

Authoress: Dhoom 2.

Minerva: Great…but I don't know Hindi.

Authoress: Read the subtitles on the bottom.

Minerva: Uh…okay.

Artemis: -comes in- Hey, Anna-Maria, there you are!

Minerva: -squeals- Arty! –jumps on Artemis, no, wait, she missed-

Artemis: Oh, oh. –backs away and sits next to Anna-Maria- I really should get a restraining order. Hey, you're watching Dhoom 2! I heard it was a great movie; I didn't know you watched Bollywood films!

Authoress: Every Friday.

Anna-Maria: I usually don't have time.  
Minerva: HELLO! I'm still HERE!

Artemis: -takes a samosa- Shush, Minerva, I can't hear!

Authoress: Say, Artemis, doesn't Ashwarya Rai look like Anna-Maria?

Artemis: Ash has already got a look-alike, Sneha Ullal is new to Bollywood but she's practically a clone; only with younger-looking skin.

Authoress: -frowns and thinks '_I know that, but why do you_?'- Yes, but look again. Doesn't Anna-Maria look like Ash?

Artemis: Now that you mention it, yes.

Anna-Maria: Oh, great! Next you'll ask me to dress up like _that_ –points at the TV screen- and start singing 'Crazy Kiya Re' at the top of my lungs!

Authoress and Artemis: -exchange looks- Yeah, that would be terrific!

Anna-Maria: -sighs-

Minerva: -looks confused- Crazy what what?

Authoress: Crazy Kiya Re – roughly, it means something along the lines of 'Made Me Crazy' or 'Make Me Crazy'.

Minerva: Oh. Say, that's a catchy beat. –starts to dance, and then begins singing- 'Chori chori kiya re, dil yeh dil diya re! Jadoo se jadoo kiya – what?

Artemis, Authoress, Anna-Maria, and the Readers: -stare at Minerva-

Authoress: Do you have any idea what you're saying?

Minerva: No.

Random Reader: Where's my camera? I got to record this.

Anna-Maria: Why am I not surprised?

Artemis: -rubbing his forehead- I think I got a headache.

Anna-Maria: I can massage it for you.

Minerva: -jumps up and runs over quickly, knocking over Anna-Maria's chair in the process (on purpose!)- Oh, Arty, let me kiss it; I'll make it better!

Anna-Maria: -gets up and dusts herself off- Hey!

Artemis: -looks scared- No, actually, I think I'm okay now.

Minerva: No, Arty; let me kiss it!

Artemis: -backs away slowly- Please refrain from calling me that.

Minerva: Oh, you're too formal with me! –runs to jump on him-

Artemis: -runs away from Minerva-

Artemis and Minerva: -running throughout the entire room-

Anna-Maria: -chases after Minerva- Hey, goddess of wisdom! Leave Artemis alone, he's mine, remember?

Minerva: -stops and faces Anna-Maria- Since when? Artemis and I are meant for each other, each of us is named after a goddess!

Anna-Maria: So? My middle name is Venus, after the Roman goddess of love. And –

Minerva: -interrupts by gasping loudly- Your middle name is Venus? That explains how you've bewitched my Arty! You probably have a magic girdle, too!

Artemis: -accidentally runs into Minerva (or it might have been on purpose)- Your Arty?

Anna-Maria: -frowns at Minerva- We've been through this before; I did not at any time bewitch Artemis. Besides, we are made for each other.

Minerva: -looks haughty- What makes you say that?

Anna-Maria: Artemis is Irish, and I'm Italian. They both start with 'I'!

Readers: What kind of logic is that?

Authoress: -always answers rhetorical questions- Love-logic.

Artemis: -shrugs- Works for me. –mumbles- As long as I don't get stuck with Minerva.

Anna-Maria: Thank you, Artemis.

Minerva: -whining- Hey, nobody li –

Authoress: -interuppts- Shush! This is one of my favorite songs in the movie!

Artemis: -leans over the Authoress- Which one is it?

Authoress: Dhoom Again!

Minerva: What?

Authoress: That's the name of the song, 'Dhoom Again'.

Minerva: -goes google-eyed- Wait, who's that on the screen?

Authoress: Hrithik Roshan, he's one of today's most sought after Bollywood actors.

Minerva: -squeals- He is such a HOTTIE!

Artemis and Anna-Maria: -back away from Minerva-

Anna-Maria: -muttering- Something's seriously wrong with you.

Authoress: -blinks- Okay…just so you know, he's married.

Minerva: So? He can get a divorce!

Authoress: So soon after the birth of his first-born? Unlikely.

Artemis: Isn't there a highly controversial kissing-scene between him and Ashwarya Rai?

Readers: Why is it controversial?

Authoress: There are different censoring methods in India and Pakistan. Kissing-scenes in Indian movies have only recently been added to the scripts of movies. Such profanity is frowned upon; plus Hrithik is married and Ash already decided not to do kissing-scenes in any of her international movies, so it's like she's turning back on her own word.

Readers: Really?

Authoress: -glares at the Readers- I don't lie.

Readers: -look a little frightened- We'll take your word for it.

Artemis: But isn't Ashwarya engaged to Abhishek Bachchan?

Authoress: -looks at Artemis- Yes, but they were engaged in January of 2007; Dhoom 2 was released in 2006, plus I hear that that relationship was a no-go.

Anna-Maria: But Abhishek already broke off one relationship when his engagement to Karisma Kapoor went kaput!

Artemis: -looks at Anna-Maria- 'Went kaput'? I think you've been in the LEP for too long, Anna-Maria Venus Root.

Anna-Maria: What's with the full name?

Artemis: I don't know, but it has a nice ring to it; don't you think?

Minerva: -blinks- They lost me on the kissing-scene thing.

Readers: We got lost on the 'went kaput' thing.

Random Reader: Anna-Maria, will you marry me?

Anna-Maria: -blinks at the Random Reader- Who the heck are you?

Artemis: -growls and lunges for the Random Reader's throat- I've warned you already, stay away from Anna-Maria!

Random Reader: -screams- I didn't know it was a crime to love!

Anna-Maria: I don't know whether to be flattered or offended.

Authoress: -watches the fight with unblinking eyes- Be flattered, trust me.

Anna-Maria: Okay…what were we talking about?

Minerva: Someone named Abhichic Batchcan.

Authoress and Anna-Maria: -stare at Minerva-

Authoress: Just stop talking, please!

Minerva: -looks offended- Humph.

Anna-Maria: Yeah, well, Abhi_shek_ Ba_chchan_ has had two broken relationships in the past five years! Poor guy.

Authoress: I think Rani Mukerji should marry him, unlike Ash, she can actually act and look pretty at the same time. And she's my favorite actress.

Anna-Maria: Yeah, they look good together, and Abhishek's only a year older than Rani, they're in the same age group. But Rani's too short for him, unfortunately.

Authoress: -sighs- Someone marry Abhishek!

Anna-Maria: Maybe Shilpa Shetty could marry him.

Authoress: Yeah, she is tall enough.

Anna-Maria: How tall is she?

Authoress: Five foot ten, I think.

Anna-Maria: Wow, that is tall!

Authoress: That's not what my mom said. She said, "that's not tall; that's abnormal!" Obviously she hasn't seen my descriptions of Marie.

Anna-Maria: You mean the princess that Robert tutors? Why? How tall is she?

Authoress: Well, she was six feet tall when Robert started teaching her, but after about…three months, she was the exact height as Robert, six foot three.

Anna-Maria: -falls off her chair- Holy lava-rocks!

Authoress: Uh-huh. -looks over to where Artemis and the Random Reader are- Hey, who's winning?

Random Reader: -speaking through broken teeth- Artemis.

Minerva: Good job, Arty! No, wait, he was fighting for Anna-Maria…that's a bad thing!

Anna-Maria: -shaking her head- Is that as deep as it gets with her?

Artemis: -washing his hands at the sink- I think so. But maybe she'll surprise us.

Minerva: Are you guys talking about me?

Anna-Maria: -blinks-

Artemis: You see?

Authoress: Oh, yeah, she surprised me alright!

Minerva: -totally oblivious-

Readers: Now what?

Artemis, Anna-Maria, and the Authoress: -shrug-

Minerva: -hears Dhoom Again playing in the background- Hey, that's a pretty good song! –starts singing- 'Dhoom Again, you wanna run with me on a roller coaster ride, Dhoom Again, get your heartbeat pumping' -stops because everyone is staring at her again- What?

Artemis, Anna-Maria, and the Authoress: -shake their heads- Oh no, not again!

Readers: -look awkward- We'll just be going now…

_**So, how was it? Can you review and tell me? I do accept anonymous reviews if some people are too lazy to log in you know.**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Okay – time for an update (and reviews if I'm lucky)! Sorry, I am almost completely out of ideas!**_

Authoress: -leans back on the sofa- Well, I'm out of ideas.

Artemis: -frowns- That's not good.

Anna-Maria: -lying on the floor with her head on a cushion- Where's Minerva? Maybe I can –

Artemis: Too violent!

Anna-Maria: -turns her head to look up at him- How did you know what I was going to say?

Artemis: -sits in a chair opposite her and looks bored- Because I've known you for a while now; it happens.

Minerva: -pops up out of nowhere- Hi, everyone!

Anna-Maria, Artemis, and the Authoress: -groan- Oh, no!

Minerva: -blinks- What's wrong with you guys? You've got a major case of boredom! Maybe we can do each other's hair, or –

Anna-Maria and the Authoress: -jump up simultaneously- Don't you dare touch our hair!

Minerva: -giggles-

Artemis: What is so humorous?

Minerva: -continues giggling- Dare and hair rhyme!

Anna-Maria: -blinks- Okay…

Authoress: When you're older, see my dad. He's a neurologist.

Minerva: -cocks her head- What's a neu – neu – whatever you said?

Anna-Maria: -whispers to Artemis- Either she is suffering from severe amnesia, she happens to be joking, or she has been replaced by an alien clone who is a complete dimwit.

Artemis: -whispers back- It's probably the latter.

Authoress: -blinks at Minerva- How did you get such a high I.Q.? A neurologist is a brain doctor.

Minerva: I may have cheated.

Authoress: No, I think you've just been replaced by a crazy person…or an evil twin who's a total nitwit.

Artemis: What makes you say that?

Authoress: -glances at him for a moment- Well, she's been here for five minutes and hasn't tried to jump on you once!

Anna-Maria: Hey, that's right; she hasn't!

Artemis: Yes, but I think she is preferable this way.

Authoress: I don't think so. -smacks Minerva in the head with a baseball bat-

Minerva: -falls in an unconscious heap on the floor-

Authoress: Will the real Minerva report to the Authoress's room, please?

Real Minerva: -opens the door- What?

Authoress: There you are. This impostor was trying to impersonate you.

Artemis: And badly.

Anna-Maria: -elbows him in the ribs-

Artemis: Ouch! You have sharp elbows, Anna-Maria.

Anna-Maria: Uh…I have no idea what a proper response to that is supposed to be.

Real Minerva: -stands over the fake Minerva- This is just a face mask. -pulls off the mask- And this impersonator happens to be Billy Kong – in a badly put-together outfit.

Readers: -gasp-

Anna-Maria and Artemis: Eh, we can beat him again.

Anna-Maria: Can I –

Artemis: Too violent!

Anna-Maria: Fine. I'll just slap the back of his head.

Minerva: No! That's how Artemis ended up missing three years!

Anna-Maria: He wouldn't have if you had kicked the back of his head instead of in the ribs.

Minerva: How did you…?

Anna-Maria: I saw the footage.

Minerva: Oh.

Billy Kong disguised as Minerva: -groans-

Everyone: -looks down at him – her, somebody!-

Anna-Maria: -punches his/her/its forehead quickly-

Billy Kong disguised as Minerva: -falls unconscious again-

Minerva: Can you teach me how to do that?

Anna-Maria: No.

Minerva: Why?

Anna-Maria: You're not exactly my favorite person in the world, Minerva.

Minerva: Why's that?

Artemis: Maybe because you continuously call me 'Arty', argue with her repeatedly, insist that I was _mesmerized_, and jump on me at least twice each chapter.

Minerva: -raises an eyebrow- When did I do that?

Anna-Maria: -turns to the Authoress- Do you think that maybe that was Billy Kong disguised as Minerva the entire time? I thought it was odd because Minerva usually –

Minerva: Hey, you're that half-fairy girl who wouldn't let me get near Artemis on Valentine's day.

Anna-Maria: …That's clearly Minerva.

Artemis: How unfortunate for me.

Minerva: -looks at him sorrowfully- What does that mean?

Authoress: -interjects before Artemis can reply- Hang on, we've got to get this…thug off of my set – I mean, out of my room!

Artemis: -looks around him- Is that where we are?

Anna-Maria: Nice wallpaper.

Authoress: -frowns- Not my idea. But I get my own study…if only I could fill it with technology.

Minerva: What are you guys doing in here anyway?

Anna-Maria: Just enjoying each others' company, more or less.

Minerva: -frowns and furrows her brow in thought- I remember something about you…weren't you acting as if you were Artemis's girlfriend?

Anna-Maria: I am not his girlfriend!

Authoress: No, not yet. But you will be soon enough.

Artemis: What?

Authoress: -looks nervous- Oh, I've said too much already. Um...let's get rid of Billy who is dressed as a girl. –waves her arm over him/her/whatever-

Billy disguised as Minerva: -disappears-

Authoress: Let's get a guest-star for this chapter.

Artemis: Anyone we know?

Authoress: -grins- Yes…and no.

Anna-Maria: What is that supposed to –

Authoress: -snaps her fingers-

Two people: -appear-

Anna-Maria: …mean? -looks uncomfortable- Who are these two?

Minerva: They look familiar.

Authoress: They should, you're looking at older versions of yourselves!

Artemis: -stares at his older self- So, how is it in the future?

Artemis' Older Self: -smiles- It is as eventful as the past, I can tell you that much!

Minerva: Why can't I see what I'll be like when I'm older?

Authoress: I've seen what you're like, and you don't want to know!

Anna-Maria: -stares at her older self- Boy, I really let myself go! Do you eat junk food twenty-four hours a day or something?!

Authoress: What are you talking about? -looks closer at Anna-Maria's older self- Oh, oh.

Artemis and his Older Self: Oh, oh? What oh, oh?

Authoress: -looks uncomfortable- I, uh – I think I pulled your older selves out of the wrong time period.

Anna-Maria: What?

Authoress: The reason your older self is so…big is because she – you are six months pregnant.

Artemis and Anna-Maria: WHAT?!

Authoress: Ehm…pregnant with twins.

Anna-Maria: -faints-

Anna-Maria's Older Self: -looks down at her- Yeah, that was my reaction, too. Except Artemis caught me before I could hit the floor.

Artemis: -talking to his older self- Identical?

Artemis' Older Self: No, one's male and the other is female.

Artemis: Have you thought of names?

Anna-Maria's Older Self: Artemis Julio and Angelina Holly Fowl.

Artemis: Those are long names.

Artemis' Older Self: Well, we can give them nicknames.

Artemis: Not Angy and Arty!

Anna-Maria's Older Self: Of course not! Arty is your nickname. -points to his older self- And consequently, it's his too.

Artemis: How long have you – we been married?

Artemis' Older Self: A year and two months.

Minerva: How come I don't get to marry Artemis?

Artemis: What did you get her for your anniversary?

Artemis' Older Self: A huge cake – she has cravings, and an emerald bracelet.

Artemis: Did it match her eyes?

Artemis' Older Self: Perfectly.

Artemis: -grins- Good job.

Anna-Maria's Older Self: Will someone get me – the younger me, some water and wake me up? -covers her mouth with her hands- I need the bathroom!

Authoress: Down the hall and to your left.

Artemis: Morning sickness?

Artemis' Older Self: Right on target. -follows Anna-Maria's Older Self- Be careful, dear! Do you need anything? Like a cream pie and pickles on the side?

Artemis: -flicks water on Anna-Maria's face- Maybe that's why she needed to vomit.

Anna-Maria: -frowns at the Authoress- Why did you do that? We're not supposed to know our future!

Minerva: -whines- Why does she get Artemis instead of me?

Authoress: Keep you head on, Minerva! -to Anna-Maria and Artemis- Relax, you'll forget all about it in 3, 2, 1…

Anna-Maria: Who's the guest-star?

Authoress: I don't know. Maybe Tiziano Ferro?

Anna-Maria: Hmmm…no.

Artemis: I could sing instead.

Authoress and Anna-Maria: NO!

Artemis: I'm not that bad! Although I do sing best in Hindi.

Minerva: -blinks- Why?

Artemis: How should I know? The words just sound nice in my voice.

Readers: So…can we come back next time?

Authoress: Sure.

Minerva: I want Arty!

Anna-Maria: -leaps on top of Minerva- Shut it, blondie! Geez, Kong's impression of you wasn't that far off after all!

Artemis: Well, as long as Anna-Maria doesn't get hurt, I don't mind. Pass the chicken teriyaki please.

_**Please, please review! Please!**_


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